Despondency
by IveGoneCompletelyMad
Summary: All I seemed to do was annoy him... make him mad... I had hoped one day he may love me too but I guess... Maybe I really am better off dead.
**WARNING! This story contains self harm and attempted suicide! For those of you that are uncomfortable with such topics then please I advise you to not read. Thank you. :)**

 **Song: _Better Off Dead_ by _Sleeping With Sirens._**

"How _useless_ can one human be?!"

Tears brimmed my **(E/C)** eyes as I held my hands up in front of me in defence against the livid vampire. I was scared, intimidated… _frightened_. When this side of Kanato came out that's all I knew how to feel. Every other emotion seemed to abandon me. He was bipolar; kind one second, the next he tried to injure me. And I just didn't know how to cope with his outbursts.

"I-I…"

"Don't bother trying to justify this!"

"I'm sorry!"

I didn't know what else to say. The violet haired man turned and sneered at me, his fangs making him look all the more malicious. Pupil-less lavender eyes that should look so gentle glared down at my smaller form with a murderous intent.

" _What did I just say_?! Damn you humans are stupid! I don't want your pathetic apology!"

"I… Just wanted to go outside…"

It meant to sound normal, yet it came out as a dejection. A sharp tug on my jumper forced me forward, bringing me closer to the middle born triplet. My hands instinctively wrapped around his cold wrist in a gesture to hopefully protect myself somehow in a futile attempt against the stronger supernatural male.

"You don't need to go outside! You have me! Am I not enough huh?! _Is that it_?!"

"N-No! That's not it at all! I didn't talk to anyone! I just went to the garden!"

"But I told you _to stay in the mansion_!"

"I thought the garden would be ok being it's a part of the mansion!"

"Don't raise your voice to me you filth!"

My body got brought in closer to the male, what should have felt warm felt even colder than I originally was against this corpse of a man. His free hand wrapping itself painfully tight into my hair as he jerked my head back, a disgusting crack following suit. He leant his face close to the curve of my neck; hot breath mingling with the coldness of his lips. I flinched away; my body unsure of how to react to the constant change in temperature. Should I have been porcelain; I would have broken.

"N-no! Please don't!"

"You need to be punished for your actions **(Y/N).** Not only for leaving the house, but for talking back to me and also raising your voice. I need to teach you your place."

He sunk his fangs into my neck; such a slow motion… _painful_. His head jutted now and then to open the wound further. It hurt… _it hurt_!

"K-Kanato! S-stop!"

He didn't reply, just carried on drinking. He was taking larger gulps than he usually does. This was serious! My body started to react to the loss of blood. I felt dizzy… _sick_ … whatever I had eaten earlier wanted out… perspiration was starting to form on my body… he really was going all out… _at this rate_ …

He suddenly pulled away from me, his fangs making a sickening wet sound and feeling as they left my body; looking down at me with those lavender eyes that I had grown to love and fear. Yet all I could look at was the small trail of my blood falling from his chin, reminding me of what he really was… what I had fallen in love with… I blinked back tears, swallowing down a sob. I won't give him the satisfaction.

" _Get out of my sight_."

He let me go without warning, causing me to wobble on my feet from the blood loss I had just endured. I managed to stay upright somehow, watching as he picked up his Teddy from the table before I swiftly left the lounge not giving him chance to change his mind and ran up to my room, locking the door behind me. It may not do much good, but it gave me a false sense of comfort at least. I plopped onto the floor, my back leaning against my bed as I let my tears of pain and anguish fall. I didn't belong in this world of vampires. As a human I belong out with my own kind. Not in a night class... Not in a house of vampires… Not with Kanato… _Not here_ …

 _ **She says she wants to end it all when she's all alone in her room**_

 _ **She cries**_

 _ **The way she feels inside is too much for her**_

 _ **When all you got is these four walls**_

 _ **It's not that hard to feel so small**_

 _ **Or even exist at all**_

 _ **How come no one heard her when she said**_

 _ **Maybe I'm better off dead**_

 _ **If I was would it finally be enough**_

 _ **To shut out all those voices in my head?**_

 _ **Maybe I'm better off dead**_

 _ **Better off dead!**_

 _ **Did you hear a word**_

 _ **Hear a word I said?**_

 _ **This is not where I belong**_

 _ **You gonna miss me when I'm gone**_

 _ **Gone, gone**_

 _ **This is not where I belong**_

 _ **You gonna miss me when I'm gone**_

I threw my jumper across the room, pushing **(H/C)** locks from my face in aggravation. I had worn this same bulky grey jumper for years… I needed something _new_. It's not like I could go shopping though… _I am to stay here_ … I looked down at my arms, tracing the faint scars over my wrists with shaky fingers. I remember the days that every mark happened. Life was hard with my family… friends… and school… almost as hard as it was living here… I ran my fingers up to the marks that had been inflicted upon living here. There weren't many… not after I found out they were vampires and could smell my blood. My self-harming suddenly stopped cold turkey; which drained my mentality without my usual outlet. I sighed heavily and leaned further into the mirror, taking in my features. I pulled at the lower lid of my right eye, noticing how bloodshot and yellow it was from lack of sleep and nutrients. _Then again_ … I let go of my lid and noticed the bag forming under it, turning my gaze to the left eye to see the same panda like effect. I guess living in a house of vampires will do this to you… I looked at my pores, almost nose to nose with my mirror. They were still clear at least, only some spots forming here and there from being run down and stressed. My complexion had paled greatly though; my **(S/C)** looking 3 shades lighter than it should… I moved away from the mirror and turned sideways; grabbing and pulling at my stomach, love-handles and ass _. Had I gained weight_? Well, I have eaten nothing _but_ the sweets Kanato gave me since moving in here; save from the monthly dinners Reiji did with the brothers… maybe I had packed on a little weight?

"What are you doing?"

I jumped at the sudden noise in my room, turning to face the intruder.

"Kanato?"

"Answer my question."

"Oh… just some girly stuff is all. Checking to see if everything's ok."

I smiled at Kanato despite his lack of response, he looked down at his bear with an unreadable expression.

" **(Y/N)** sure is stupid, isn't she Teddy?"

I blinked at him, unable to read the tone of voice he was using. He turned his eyes up to me, keeping his face downcast at Teddy.

" **(Y/N)** is **(Y/N).** And no amount of looking in the mirror will change that. What a _stupid_ _human_."

I looked away, ironically to my old worn-out jumper. With a smile I walked over to it and picked it up before throwing it over the upper half of my body, its old and comforting feel making me smile wider. I guess everyone has their insecurities… but we have the little things that make us feel better. I looked back up to Kanato, smiling brightly at the violet haired vampire.

"I guess you're right Kanato. Thanks."

The male sneered; turning around so I couldn't see his face.

"Don't thank me you idiot. Until I can cover those disgusting marks on your arms with my fangs I don't want to see them."

My smile fell, pulling my jumper down my arms further so that only my fingers showed through. I watched as Kanato made his way over to my door, stopping to look over his shoulder at me.

"I want to be the only dark memories of you. So I will erase those others with my own fangs given chance. You should only think of me, _ok_?"

With that thought lingering he left the room. I gave a bittersweet smile, lifting the sleeve of my jumper to look down at the marks on my wrist; faint and recent. I soon turned back to the mirror and adjusted my jumper, my thoughts on nothing but the vampire I loved…

 _ **She doesn't know she's beautiful**_

 _ **'Cause no one's ever told her so**_

 _ **And the demons that she hides are all she knows**_

 _ **And maybe she can fall in love with someone in her life that she could trust**_

 _ **And tell her she's enough (Will someone tell her she's enough?)**_

 _ **How come no one heard her when she said**_

 _ **Maybe I'm better off dead**_

 _ **If I was would it finally be enough**_

 _ **To shut out all those voices in my head?**_

 _ **Maybe I'm better off dead**_

 _ **Better off dead!**_

 _ **Did you hear a word**_

 _ **Hear a word I said?**_

 _ **This is not where I belong**_

 _ **You gonna miss me when I'm gone**_

 _ **This is not where I belong**_

 _ **You gonna miss me when I'm gone**_

I stared out the window and into the rose garden, watching as the wind blew gently at the soft petals of the flowers… I _really_ wanted to go _outside_ … I sighed and turned away from the window, it only made things harder looking at what I can't have. I scowled at the appearance of my room. This is _all_ I seem to have been looking at lately! In order to avoid the 5 other Sakamaki brothers and to keep Kanato happy I kept hidden away, but now I was _beyond_ aggravated and bored. These walls were feeling like bars; I had to get out of this room at least. With a smile I pushed myself from my windowsill and over to my door, feeling brave and happy once I took that first step out in over 2 weeks. I soon got giddy, where should I go first? Oh _**I don't care**_! I took off to where my feet took me, just happy to be exploring around somewhere. This felt great! I didn't feel so _trapped_ anymore.

"K-Kanato!"

I stopped upon hearing a voice; it was feminine. _Yui_? It had to be, she was the only other female in this place other than me. And obviously Kanato was with her. Should I… _yeah_. I headed in the direction where Yui's voice came from; speeding up once I heard her anguished calls.

"N-No! Stop! Kanato! STOP PLEASE! _**DON'T**_!"

My breathing turned into heavy pants as I raced towards the room I heard her calls, the dining room. I stopped upon the entrance, leaning against the door frame to catch my breath. It was short lived as I saw what was happening. Yui was pinned against the dining table with a look of pure agony upon her face. Four puncture wounds were placed in her arm and leg. Kanato was hovering above her with a manic grin on his face, a fork in hand that dripped with a red substance I knew too well. He rose the fork above his head, chuckling softly as I ran at him, gripping his singular yet stronger arm in both of my weaker ones.

"Kanato stop!"

He turned to look at me, his expression never changing. As if he knew I was coming.

" **(Y/N)** , you are foolish."

I blinked at him, not taking heed of his words as I slowly lifted one of my hands up to his; gently grasping his fingers in hopes of getting him to drop the blunt cutlery he was using as a painful weapon.

"Kanato, please stop this."

He released his grip… the one he had on Yui's throat. That was one upside I guess; and I knew what was coming… as he turned his attention to me, eyes of lavender fire burning into my skull as I looked down at the blonde woman in a semi-bloody heap on the table. She looked at me with fear filled ruby eyes, about to make a move but with a quick shake of my head she stopped. I gave the blonde a brief smile I eyed towards the doorway before looking back to her. She took the hint before running to it, looking back at me with grief and hesitation until finally leaving. I knew it was painful for her… but I can cope with Kanato's outbursts a lot more than she can. My love for him… it makes it a little easier…

"You just can't stop yourself can you? I was just getting to the good part."

"First tell me what she did. Can that really justify your actions?"

The insanity only seemed to increase in his eyes… yet they narrowed into calm and calculated slits… this was becoming a _dangerous_ situation…

"This isn't your business **(Y/N)**."

"When it concerns you it is."

A smirk crossed his face as he turned fully towards me, grabbing my hand that held his fork wielding one in such a death grip I let go. He pulled it down to his mouth, his lower lip brushing my index finger.

"Say… are you jealous **(Y/N)**? Do you want the attention I was giving Yui?"

I kept a straight face, but the hard gulp gave me away as he turned his attention down to my throat; his smile increasing. He leant towards me, his lips brushing the side of my neck and down to where my collar bone was. He opened his mouth, breath tickling the side of my throat.

"N-No…"

I stood frozen, yet there was no pain. _Nothing_ … my breathing evened as he pulled his head away and looked me in the eyes for a moment. I stared back, unsure of what to do or say. His smile soon fell as he sighed and released me. The soft clatter of the fork he was holding hitting the floor bringing me back into reality. I blinked a few times, watching as he held his Teddy close to him.

"It's not the same."

With those words he turned and left me alone in the room. I was afraid… yet somehow disappointed. He liked Yui… more than me? I looked down, pulling at the battered sleeve of my jumper. A bittersweet smile crossed my face; of course. _I'm just the back-up of his boredom_. Just when I… was thinking maybe… he could love me too…

"I really am a foolish human…"

 _ **When all you got is these four walls**_

 _ **It's not hard to feel so small**_

 _ **When all you got is these four walls**_

 _ **It's not hard to feel so small**_

 _ **All she wanted was to be enough**_

 _ **All she wanted was to be enough**_

 _ **So what does it take?**_

 _ **Maybe it's not too late**_

 _ **Yeah no one heard her when she said**_

"-ke up! … **(Y/N)** … Oi! **(Y/N** _ **)!**_ _Don't you ignore me! I SAID WAKE UP_!"

My eyes fluttered. What the hell was so _noisy_? My eyes met the skirting board of my room, my head on something plush yet scratchy… I was on the floor? How did I get on the _floor_? ….

" **(Y/N)!"**

I jostled at the harsh sound, turning my head weakly to face upwards. _Was my ceiling always white_?

"You're awake…"

"Huh?"

I just noticed… a _person is talking_. I tilted my head a little more… _violet_ … I love that colour… I reached my hand up to touch it, feeling something cold stop me. I looked at what I believe was my hand… a paler and colder one wrapped around my fingers… yes, it was my _hand_ … I turned my head back to face the colour I liked. They were eyes… I _knew_ them…

"K-Kana… to…"

My sleepy senses were fading, becoming a bit more in touch with reality. _I remember_ … I looked back to my hand that was held by the male; more specifically my wrists.

"How?"

My wounds had healed. I know… I _slit_ them… not just for the horizontal relief, I slit vertically down the main artery… how am I… I should be…

"I made it in time."

I looked back up at the vampire, the tone of his voice indicating he was the one who had saved my life. But…

" _Why_?"

I bit my lip, all my senses coming back to me as anger enveloped me.

"Why did you do that?! Can't you at least give me the _**peace**_ of death?!"

He glared at me, his hand tightening around my fingers in a painful manner. I winced as he took that chance to pin me to the ground, forcing his larger form over my own as he snarled in my face.

"You aren't _allowed_ to die! Do you hear me?! Such a stupid human you are! You aren't allowed to leave me ever! You are mine and I won't let you go! Not now _**and not ever**_!"

I was thrown for a full 180… _what the_ …

"B-but you…"

His sneer fell, falling back into his natural features. He wanted me to finish. And he was going to get it! _Fuck_ his bipolar personality! I tried to end my suffering and he wants to keep it going?! _Fuck him_!

"All you do is torture me and keep me locked away! All I ever wanted was to see the gardens and be with you, but you keep freaking out about me talking to your brothers! That's clearly because the paranoid have paranoias of what they're doing themselves!"

His grip on my wrist tightened, eyes narrowing. Yet I wouldn't… I couldn't…

"I'm not a play thing for you when Yui is busy."

 _ ***Smash***_

" _Ah_!"

My eyes clenched shut, there was a slight tug on my hair… so… he had hit the floor _next_ to my head? I was sure he would have hit _me_. I opened my eyes, regretting it as I saw his own. His face looked neutral, but his eyes held an insanity and rage behind them that was beyond human comprehension. I had hit a nerve I guess. But how?

"You really think that? You're even more stupid than I had first thought."

"What?"

"Don't talk!"

My mouth shut, feeling like it sealed itself over from the rage he was emitting.

"I may use Yui as food and a play thing now and then, but _you_ are the one that is mine. I will not share you with the others, nor anyone else out there. That's why you are _here_. Are you that stupid you need me to explain it to you?"

He sighed and leant back, realising my hands but considering he was straddling me… I can't move freely.

"You and Teddy are all I care about."

I stopped struggling. I was… up there with _Teddy_? I looked up at the male, his violet eyes enchanting me. They looked even lovelier with his equally bright hair covering portions of them through looking down at my feeble form. I was about to speak, but he beat me to it. Yanking me up and holding me tightly in his arms, as if I would run away if he loosened his grip.

"Don't talk, you'll only annoy me. Just know that you're mine and I won't let you die _. Got it?_ And almost losing you… I guess that I'll have to watch you more _closely."_

His tone was threatening and cold, I could only nod in response. His personality flipped, eyes returning to their child-like glee and smiling as if it was a completely different person. I smiled back up at him. I knew well that this was a price to pay with loving the hysteric and bipolar vampire. But I wouldn't change him for the world… and from the looks of things, he won't change me either…

 _ **Maybe I'm better off dead**_

 _ **If I was would it finally be enough**_

 _ **To shut out all those voices in my head?**_

 _ **Maybe I'm better off dead**_

 _ **Better off dead!**_

 _ **Did you hear a word**_

 _ **Hear a word I said?**_

 _ **This is not where I belong**_

 _ **You gonna miss me when I'm gone**_

 _ **Gone, gone**_

 _ **This is not where I belong**_

 _ **You gonna miss me when I'm gone**_

 _ **Gone, gone**_

 _ **This is not where I belong**_

 _ **You gonna miss me when I'm gone**_


End file.
